because there's nothing else i can say.

winter has been long over
and summer is almost gone
but i'm given a chance to shine

and i see the sky
opening up its eyes
and it calls to me

let us shine

so i respond
and in my heart of hearts, i sing

and my sould is leaping and spreading its wings
so i turn to this world, saying goodbye to the old
and i fly
i fly away

---
---

i'm proud of me. i'm proud of you. i'm proud of us. i'm proud of this.

i've never felt this wholesomely content in my life.
with each part of my life, each roles they all play, each piece they fit into, every imperfection found as a perfection, growing and learning every day, loving unconditionally, being okay with everything as it is, for how it is, for what it is, for its placement in the world, believing, being able to SEE with my eyes closed, having truth and compassion, understanding, and acceptance as a part of every piece of color in this life.

i love you. thank you.

Untitled.

i'm certain of this, and i am not certain of anything.

i [am in] love [with] you.

suicide!

hey max, i found this on my old LJ, too. thought you might like it [wink wink]. :]


[19 Jan 2005|05:31pm]

Suicide is TOTALLY the answer.

Ask the 25-year-old who tried to electricute himself. He lived. But both his arms are gone. But hey, now, being a cripple, he gets millions of dollars in donations and media oppertunities, which will lead to gorgeous women jacking him off. SCORE!

What about jumping? Ask John. He used to be intelligent, with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leapt from a building. Now, he's brain-damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. Which is awesome, because now he's too fucking retarded to HAVE any problems! Way to go, John!

What about pills? Ask the 12-year-old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. LIKE A POKEMON! What twelve-year-old DOESN'T wanna be a pokemon?!? Yayyyyy!!! And anyway, if you're twelve years old and trying to kill yourself (by ODing on Tylenol??), you need to be shot anyway due to the vast amount of shit your head got clouded with when you started thinking that following MTV, teenybopper magazines, pop-punk (what the hell?!) bands was in any way 'good'.

What about a gun? Ask the 24-year-old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide. You might too. No, wait, only an idiotic dopey TWAT will shoot himself in the head and fuck up. And anyway, he's so deformed and fucked up now, he will, again, get loads of money from charaties and such, and also, no chick will EVER approach him, hence no money and/or girl problems, which were probably the reasons why he shot himself in the first place. Problem solved!!!

But... Who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job--but SOMEONE has to do it. Who will have to cut you down from where you hung yourself or identify your bloated body after you've drowned? Your father? Your mother? Your wife? Your son? Yes! Absolutely! They can have a race for who does it fastest. After all, if you killed yourself, at least ONE of them must have been the reason, so what the fuck do YOU care?? Serves 'em right. LET'S HEAR IT FOR SUICIDE!!!

The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain. Fuck the suicide note! Those bitches and hoes must PAY!! Don't just kill yourself, BLOW UP A WHOLE BUILDING WITH YOU!! SHOW THE FUCKERS WHO'S (or was) BOSS!!!

Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. Look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, and he may do it ten years from now. That little asslick probably steals all your attention from your family anyway, you better HOPE the fucker does it. Even though he probably won't give two shits. He's fucking FOUR.

You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline, that will give you the same useless bullshit that they give everyone else who calls (and ends up killing themselves anyway). Call a friend, who can't wait till you die so that he can take your PS2. Call your minister or priest, who can 'help' you by raping you in the confession booth. Call a doctor or hospital, that will lock you away in a nice padded room with no solid objects whatsoever. Call the police, who will lock you in a cell with Bubba, making you want to kill yourself even more. They will tell you that there's hope, and then go back to eating fried chicken and watching TV. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow, or you won't. Ever. Or in a phone call this weekend, from a machine that tells the same thing to everyone who calls. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away. Yep. You'll end up killing yourself in just a minute, a month, or a day.

You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it? Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later. And we'll work with whatever you have left. Or, just try it again. I mean, killing yourself isn't THAT hard, after all. You wont fuck up the second time. And if you will, I'll help you out. Buddy.

Remember: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So DO it! C'mon, we all know you're a selfish bastard! Kill yourself and FUCK everyone else!

swine or something like it flu.

i've been sick for about 5 days. i feel disgusting. when i try to walk somewhere, i get exhausted and dizzy. when i lay down, i get a cold layer of sweat covering my body. i'm just not comfortable anywhere. i tried taking a bath, but after about 2 minutes of laying in the water, i felt like i was going to black out. my mom wants me to go to maimonides and let them do their job on me. as much as i hate that place and hate being stuck in it for hours on end, i don't think i have a choice. i feel like i'm dying. i know i say that all the time [lol max] but i've never felt this sick, and i've gotten REAAAAALLY sick before. my pancreatitis days were absolute hell, but this is actually worse. and it's just a flu? i don't think so. :/

on a cheerier note, i got my phone back :] oh blackberry i fucking missed you. i can't believe i even thought for a second i didn't need you. i do i do i do need you<3. lmao sorry max i'm having an affair with my blackberry.

hmmm what else what else. my mom is making crepes and normally i'd be drooling for them but i'm getting sick of the fumes coming from the kitchen. i wish it was colder outside so atleast there'd be some 'fresh' air coming in but it feels like it's fucking 100% humidity out there today. atleast its raining. if it was sunny out, i think i'd die faster. when i was in the sun yesterday, i was so miserable. never in my life did i think the sun would make me miserable.

max, i'm sorry about yesterday. :/ about being so emo when we first met up and all that. i really am sorry. if i knew i was going to act like that, i wouldn't have met up with you. i blame it on the sun. i love you, i'm sorry again.

i'm going through my 4-year-old livejournal and i found these old-as-dirt pictures:






1. i miss my long hair.
2. i miss jersey/michelle/david/paulina/vlad/etc.
3. i miss being so naive.
4. LOL i still really love ketchup.


this is what its all about.



xo a

rare.

its so easy to pretend i'm not home when someone is knocking at my door.
i never let anyone in.
i've lost myself under a thousand layers of sarcasm and wit and indifference.
i've lost myself in that tiny little hole.
but i can't help but see the walls are caving in.
and then there was you.
you opened the door.
just.
this.
once.
and for a moment, you found me.

when the storm comes, i'll laugh and i'll cry and i'll run through the streets until my lungs explode.
i'll run.
alone.
the wind is all i have.
i will follow the colors you've so carefully painted around your little head of fire.
i will follow you into the night.
only when the hue becomes so brilliant my eyes won't shut.
only when the trembling in my fingertips drives me mad.
i'll know i've found you.

to me, you are perfectly imperfect.
you are strange and beautiful.
maybe one day you will understand.
maybe one day you will find me again.

-3/23/09

?

a new cold.

i woke up too early this morning with a stuffed-as-hell nose and a burning throat :[.

so i made pancakes.



my brother said they were good. lol. first time ever making whole-wheat pancakes. too bad i couldn't enjoy them.

i'm gonna go take a bath, kill some time, whatevs.

xo a

!!!!

am i not fucking speaking english?
i don't understand how else i can talk to you. you never understand what i'm trying to say. you always think i'm accusing you of something. would it kill you to explain something to me? would it kill you to not fucking get mad at me for asking you something? all i wanted was an explanation so i can understand what happened.


obviously i've been asking too much.


i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know
this wasn't supposed to turn into a fight.
knowing you, you will milk this for all its worth and not speak to me for as long as possible.
why are you like that? why do you get so damn angry and defensive when i ask you to clear something up?


oh but of course this is my fault.


i love you. always.
xo a

one thing.

i promised myself, i swore to myself, i would never sink into this again. but i'm sinking. ohhhh man am i sinking..

i have a lot to say. if i start right now, i don't think i will stop for a good few hours. but i don't even know where to begin. i'll save it for another day, maybe. i just.... i can't fucking think straight.


even though i know
i don't want to know
yeah, i guess i know
i just hate how it sounds





i don't know who i am anymore, and it terrifies me.




i just wish i could grab max and disappear for a while, just the two of us.

coney island.

i miss coney island/astroland! these shots were taken about 2 years ago. i remember going like, every single day, and getting those P.O.P wristbands. haha i'd go on the ....iforgotwhatitscalled... and stay on for about 20 rides, and then the same thing on the breakdancer.. and the cyclone. haha those rides are all so old but i still enjoy them. ooh i want to go to an amusement park again. they really are a perfect setting for getting some urban shots. i hope i get to go to six flags this year. i didn't go last year and that's just fucking wrong.

xo a

a picture + survey.

i don't want to elaborate on this, but i do want to mention it, to get it atleast somewhat out there: that was the worst nightmare i have ever had, and i highly doubt i will ever dream anything as horrible again. i don't want to see it again. i don't want to think about it. it's a part of me for a bit longer, but i don't want to pay it any more attention than needed.

survey, picture. nothing more.




What's your opinion on milk chocolate?
um.. whatever? i don't care about it enough to have an opinion.

What about Dark Chocolate?
i actually like dark chocolate more than milk chocolate.

What's your opinion about Katy Perry's song "I kissed a girl"?
i don't like the song. it's the anthem for all the pseudo-bisexuals in highschool who think they sound sexy because they kissed a girl once.

What's your least favorite pizza topping?
spinach.

Do you believe in heaven?
no.

What kind of mood are you in right now, and why?
i'm tired. i didn't sleep well. :/

What's your opinion of high school?
i had a love/hate relationship with high school.

Do you prefer the country or city?
i love both.

What are your plans for the next 48 hours?
sleep.

What's your favorite type of weather?
i love thunderstorms. i love cloudy, chilly weather. i also love sunshine.

What's your opinion on reading books?
i absolutely love reading.

You're given a chance to act in a hollywood blockbuster! Would you accept?
fuck yeah.

What it if it was a movie directed by Tim Burton?
yes yes yesss idk who directs it lmao i want to act.

Are you hungry right now?
no.

It's possible to be addicted to anything... What are you addicted to?
cigarettes.

How often do you get headaches?
often, actually :/

Do you have any songs stuck in your head right now?
nope.

Have you ever regretted telling someone you love them?
no. je ne regrette rien.

What would you rather have- an iTouch or a huge bag of weed?
weed :]

Have you ever told someone they were attractive when they really weren't?
yes.

Should people have to dissect cow eyes?
what no.

Do you think the person who refuses should fail for not dissecting one?
no, that's not fair.

What's your opinion on turtles?
i love turtles! lol idk i think they're adorable. i've always wanted one. especially those teeeeeeny ones.

When people annoy you, do you tell them?
yes.

You sing in your shower don't you?
no, not anymore.

Are you a Twilight freak?
god no.

Do you like Green Tea?
i love green tea, and melissa herbal tea, and mango peach white tea, i love tea in general thankyou.

quicker than i thought..

yeah so i'm back already.
i was going through some pictures from my portfolio and i started crying. i never realized just how much i miss photography.


i remember this day like it was yesterday. i have never seen so much fog, and i remember telling my mother "the flowers look like they're glowing". i couldn't capture the glow. but i captured the moment.





i wish i could go back in time. not to change anything, just to relive certain moments.
i want to go back and breathe it all in, prep myself for what is about to happen, for the life i am living now.

now i'm getting all fucking depressed again. fuck this man.

i'll be back tomorrow.

ilm. xo a

it's been a while..

so i haven't updated in over a month. i need to force myself to keep writing because honestly i will lose my mind. remembering all those xangas and livejournals i've kept in the past, i notice i had a clear head. yeah, i was fucked up beyond belief but i had a clear head. i need to keep writing.

.....


it's been a full 10 minutes since i wrote that ^

i have so much shit i want to fucking write and just let out but i can't do it. i feel so disgusting right now, so pathetic, so out of place, so attached... i don't know what i'm trying to say.

UGH this is what i mean I NEED TO CLEAR MY FUCKING HEAD
and obviously writing isn't the way this time.


i'll make this a lyrics entry. aw i just remembered how i used to do that when i couldn't find the words to say. haha some things never change. well the only lyrics i can think of are "crown of love". i don't know why. i'm not depressed about a break-up, nothing of the sort. but the sadness in its entirity is overwhelming, i must share! i'll highlight what i relate to, just like old times.


they say it fades if you let it, love was made to forget it.
i carved your name across my eyelids, you pray for rain i pray for blindness.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
the crown of love is fallen from me.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
because the spark is not within me.
i snuffed it out before my mom walked in my bedroom.
the only thing that you keep changing, is your name
my love keeps growing, still the same, just like a cancer,
and you won't give me a straight answer.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
the crown of love has fallen from me.
if you still want me please forgive me
because your hands are not upon me.
i shrugged them off before my mom walked in my bedroom.
the pains of love, and they keep growing,
in my heart there's flowers growing,
on the grave of our old love,
since you gave me a straight answer.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
the crown of love is not upon me
if you still want me, please forgive me,
'cause the spark is not within me.
it's not within me, it's not within me.
you gotta be the one,
you gotta be the way,
your name is the only word that i can say.


i find myself in a place i've sworn i'd never go to again.
i need to go for a walk. i'll try this again tomorrow. or later maybe.

one thing remains the same! i love max.

au revoir
xo a

i wake alone.

lately people have been surprising me. in a bad way.
one of the people i considered a best friend basically betrayed the shit out of me. after all he went on about how he feels towards -----, he's trading me in for him. okay, no doubt.

honestly, all i really need is my family and my boyfriend. what the fuck else is there anyway? letting people in = setting yourself up for disappointment. that goes with trusting people, too. yeah, i can admit, i do trust people a little too easily. but what fucking right does that give them to act in such a selfish, hurtful way? i just don't understand, I JUST DON'T FUCKING GET IT.

whatever. my mind is completely racing right now and i can barely get my thoughts together. i'll update this some other time.

PS. 3 days til DR. aka 3 days til i miss my boyfriend to death.

xo
a

like my first time that i caught fire..

:) :) :)

smiles all around.

reeeeewind. yesterday i saw ali to get one of my favorite bags back. we ended up talking a bunch and i realized that i can actually be his friend, despite of everything we've been through. i mean, maybe the smart choice would be to leave him out of my life for good, but maybe not. it was nice catching up and hearing all about his new life. he's happy for me, i'm happy for him. i'm comfortable around him and i can totally see myself being a good friend to him. i just need some more time to think about it maybe. i don't want to make a mistake. it was really easy not talking to him and keeping him out of my life, but now that we've talked and didn't argue one bit, idk.. it's going to be a lot harder telling him to step out. i plan on changing my phone number today, and until i come to terms with what the right thing to do is, i won't be talking to him. i'm just trying to be cautious, i suppose.

so this morning i went over to max's. i love him :'] haha i just don't know what else i can possibly say. he makes me so fucking happy i can't stand it. i was sitting there on his bed today and i felt like i just popped a triple stack or some shit. it was just such an incredible feeling. i couldn't believe i was completely sober and these feelings were completely natural. i love him i love him i love him.

oh & i also found out yesterday i'm going to the dominican republic with my mom for 10 days. may4th-14th. at first i was panicking and thinking OMG WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITHOUT MAX but i'll keep in touch with him and 10 days isn't such a long time. i need to get away from brooklyn anyway.. besides, these 10 days will bring us so much closer. :]

and now that i've had only about 20 minutes of sleep last night, i'm going to take a nap.


xo
a

every thug needs a lady

happy one month anniversary max :)
i love you with everything i've got. <3


that's pretty much all i have to say today.


xo
a

numero uno.

i decided to start keeping an online journal again, for reasons i'm not entirely sure of. in the past, writing has always helped me; cleared my head, sorted my thoughts; calmed me down a little. the journals never lasted long. here's to 40th chances, haha.

so um i don't really have much to write about right now.. i just created this thing and obliged in writing a first entry, so as not to make my journal look blank.

it's beautiful outside. finally new york is warming the fuck up. 82 today, 90 tomorrow. and then we're back at 59 on wednesday. ha-ha. oooh wellllll, one weekend of sunshine is good enough. i'm so sick of the rain and the cold and the wind. it's enough to make anybody want to pack up and head to arizona.

tomorrow i'm heading to a barbeque with the fam. and it's my one month anniversary with max. it feels like it's been longer than that, and shorter at the same time. it's strange how he has become absolutely everything to me in such a short amount of time, and in a healthy way, too. i mean, ali was everything to me for 2 years, but that was the most unhealthiest relationship known to mankind. with max, i am such a better person. i've quit smoking weed, i've quit doing drugs, i've quit drinking. i'm working on getting a full time job and then starting college in september. it just finally feels like everything is as it should be. i feel so fucking lucky, i feel like i've been waiting for this forever. i'm happy, and i'm sober. it just feels surreal. i'm glad i don't have to depend on mdma or any other sort of drug to feel some sort of happiness and peace.

i'm in love.

and now this is getting far too long, so i'ma "make like a ball and swoosh". LOL i love lil wayne, fuck you haters.

xo
a