Sunday, June 28, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
suicide!
hey max, i found this on my old LJ, too. thought you might like it [wink wink]. :]
[19 Jan 2005|05:31pm]
Suicide is TOTALLY the answer.
Ask the 25-year-old who tried to electricute himself. He lived. But both his arms are gone. But hey, now, being a cripple, he gets millions of dollars in donations and media oppertunities, which will lead to gorgeous women jacking him off. SCORE!
What about jumping? Ask John. He used to be intelligent, with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leapt from a building. Now, he's brain-damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. Which is awesome, because now he's too fucking retarded to HAVE any problems! Way to go, John!
What about pills? Ask the 12-year-old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. LIKE A POKEMON! What twelve-year-old DOESN'T wanna be a pokemon?!? Yayyyyy!!! And anyway, if you're twelve years old and trying to kill yourself (by ODing on Tylenol??), you need to be shot anyway due to the vast amount of shit your head got clouded with when you started thinking that following MTV, teenybopper magazines, pop-punk (what the hell?!) bands was in any way 'good'.
What about a gun? Ask the 24-year-old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide. You might too. No, wait, only an idiotic dopey TWAT will shoot himself in the head and fuck up. And anyway, he's so deformed and fucked up now, he will, again, get loads of money from charaties and such, and also, no chick will EVER approach him, hence no money and/or girl problems, which were probably the reasons why he shot himself in the first place. Problem solved!!!
But... Who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job--but SOMEONE has to do it. Who will have to cut you down from where you hung yourself or identify your bloated body after you've drowned? Your father? Your mother? Your wife? Your son? Yes! Absolutely! They can have a race for who does it fastest. After all, if you killed yourself, at least ONE of them must have been the reason, so what the fuck do YOU care?? Serves 'em right. LET'S HEAR IT FOR SUICIDE!!!
The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain. Fuck the suicide note! Those bitches and hoes must PAY!! Don't just kill yourself, BLOW UP A WHOLE BUILDING WITH YOU!! SHOW THE FUCKERS WHO'S (or was) BOSS!!!
Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. Look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, and he may do it ten years from now. That little asslick probably steals all your attention from your family anyway, you better HOPE the fucker does it. Even though he probably won't give two shits. He's fucking FOUR.
You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline, that will give you the same useless bullshit that they give everyone else who calls (and ends up killing themselves anyway). Call a friend, who can't wait till you die so that he can take your PS2. Call your minister or priest, who can 'help' you by raping you in the confession booth. Call a doctor or hospital, that will lock you away in a nice padded room with no solid objects whatsoever. Call the police, who will lock you in a cell with Bubba, making you want to kill yourself even more. They will tell you that there's hope, and then go back to eating fried chicken and watching TV. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow, or you won't. Ever. Or in a phone call this weekend, from a machine that tells the same thing to everyone who calls. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away. Yep. You'll end up killing yourself in just a minute, a month, or a day.
You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it? Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later. And we'll work with whatever you have left. Or, just try it again. I mean, killing yourself isn't THAT hard, after all. You wont fuck up the second time. And if you will, I'll help you out. Buddy.
Remember: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So DO it! C'mon, we all know you're a selfish bastard! Kill yourself and FUCK everyone else!
[19 Jan 2005|05:31pm]
Suicide is TOTALLY the answer.
Ask the 25-year-old who tried to electricute himself. He lived. But both his arms are gone. But hey, now, being a cripple, he gets millions of dollars in donations and media oppertunities, which will lead to gorgeous women jacking him off. SCORE!
What about jumping? Ask John. He used to be intelligent, with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leapt from a building. Now, he's brain-damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. Which is awesome, because now he's too fucking retarded to HAVE any problems! Way to go, John!
What about pills? Ask the 12-year-old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. LIKE A POKEMON! What twelve-year-old DOESN'T wanna be a pokemon?!? Yayyyyy!!! And anyway, if you're twelve years old and trying to kill yourself (by ODing on Tylenol??), you need to be shot anyway due to the vast amount of shit your head got clouded with when you started thinking that following MTV, teenybopper magazines, pop-punk (what the hell?!) bands was in any way 'good'.
What about a gun? Ask the 24-year-old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide. You might too. No, wait, only an idiotic dopey TWAT will shoot himself in the head and fuck up. And anyway, he's so deformed and fucked up now, he will, again, get loads of money from charaties and such, and also, no chick will EVER approach him, hence no money and/or girl problems, which were probably the reasons why he shot himself in the first place. Problem solved!!!
But... Who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job--but SOMEONE has to do it. Who will have to cut you down from where you hung yourself or identify your bloated body after you've drowned? Your father? Your mother? Your wife? Your son? Yes! Absolutely! They can have a race for who does it fastest. After all, if you killed yourself, at least ONE of them must have been the reason, so what the fuck do YOU care?? Serves 'em right. LET'S HEAR IT FOR SUICIDE!!!
The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain. Fuck the suicide note! Those bitches and hoes must PAY!! Don't just kill yourself, BLOW UP A WHOLE BUILDING WITH YOU!! SHOW THE FUCKERS WHO'S (or was) BOSS!!!
Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. Look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, and he may do it ten years from now. That little asslick probably steals all your attention from your family anyway, you better HOPE the fucker does it. Even though he probably won't give two shits. He's fucking FOUR.
You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline, that will give you the same useless bullshit that they give everyone else who calls (and ends up killing themselves anyway). Call a friend, who can't wait till you die so that he can take your PS2. Call your minister or priest, who can 'help' you by raping you in the confession booth. Call a doctor or hospital, that will lock you away in a nice padded room with no solid objects whatsoever. Call the police, who will lock you in a cell with Bubba, making you want to kill yourself even more. They will tell you that there's hope, and then go back to eating fried chicken and watching TV. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow, or you won't. Ever. Or in a phone call this weekend, from a machine that tells the same thing to everyone who calls. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away. Yep. You'll end up killing yourself in just a minute, a month, or a day.
You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it? Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later. And we'll work with whatever you have left. Or, just try it again. I mean, killing yourself isn't THAT hard, after all. You wont fuck up the second time. And if you will, I'll help you out. Buddy.
Remember: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So DO it! C'mon, we all know you're a selfish bastard! Kill yourself and FUCK everyone else!
swine or something like it flu.
i've been sick for about 5 days. i feel disgusting. when i try to walk somewhere, i get exhausted and dizzy. when i lay down, i get a cold layer of sweat covering my body. i'm just not comfortable anywhere. i tried taking a bath, but after about 2 minutes of laying in the water, i felt like i was going to black out. my mom wants me to go to maimonides and let them do their job on me. as much as i hate that place and hate being stuck in it for hours on end, i don't think i have a choice. i feel like i'm dying. i know i say that all the time [lol max] but i've never felt this sick, and i've gotten REAAAAALLY sick before. my pancreatitis days were absolute hell, but this is actually worse. and it's just a flu? i don't think so. :/
on a cheerier note, i got my phone back :] oh blackberry i fucking missed you. i can't believe i even thought for a second i didn't need you. i do i do i do need you<3. lmao sorry max i'm having an affair with my blackberry.
hmmm what else what else. my mom is making crepes and normally i'd be drooling for them but i'm getting sick of the fumes coming from the kitchen. i wish it was colder outside so atleast there'd be some 'fresh' air coming in but it feels like it's fucking 100% humidity out there today. atleast its raining. if it was sunny out, i think i'd die faster. when i was in the sun yesterday, i was so miserable. never in my life did i think the sun would make me miserable.
max, i'm sorry about yesterday. :/ about being so emo when we first met up and all that. i really am sorry. if i knew i was going to act like that, i wouldn't have met up with you. i blame it on the sun. i love you, i'm sorry again.
i'm going through my 4-year-old livejournal and i found these old-as-dirt pictures:
1. i miss my long hair.
2. i miss jersey/michelle/david/paulina/vlad/etc.
3. i miss being so naive.
4. LOL i still really love ketchup.
this is what its all about.
xo a
on a cheerier note, i got my phone back :] oh blackberry i fucking missed you. i can't believe i even thought for a second i didn't need you. i do i do i do need you<3. lmao sorry max i'm having an affair with my blackberry.
hmmm what else what else. my mom is making crepes and normally i'd be drooling for them but i'm getting sick of the fumes coming from the kitchen. i wish it was colder outside so atleast there'd be some 'fresh' air coming in but it feels like it's fucking 100% humidity out there today. atleast its raining. if it was sunny out, i think i'd die faster. when i was in the sun yesterday, i was so miserable. never in my life did i think the sun would make me miserable.
max, i'm sorry about yesterday. :/ about being so emo when we first met up and all that. i really am sorry. if i knew i was going to act like that, i wouldn't have met up with you. i blame it on the sun. i love you, i'm sorry again.
i'm going through my 4-year-old livejournal and i found these old-as-dirt pictures:
1. i miss my long hair.
2. i miss jersey/michelle/david/paulina/vlad/etc.
3. i miss being so naive.
4. LOL i still really love ketchup.
this is what its all about.
xo a
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
rare.
its so easy to pretend i'm not home when someone is knocking at my door.
i never let anyone in.
i've lost myself under a thousand layers of sarcasm and wit and indifference.
i've lost myself in that tiny little hole.
but i can't help but see the walls are caving in.
and then there was you.
you opened the door.
just.
this.
once.
and for a moment, you found me.
when the storm comes, i'll laugh and i'll cry and i'll run through the streets until my lungs explode.
i'll run.
alone.
the wind is all i have.
i will follow the colors you've so carefully painted around your little head of fire.
i will follow you into the night.
only when the hue becomes so brilliant my eyes won't shut.
only when the trembling in my fingertips drives me mad.
i'll know i've found you.
to me, you are perfectly imperfect.
you are strange and beautiful.
maybe one day you will understand.
maybe one day you will find me again.
-3/23/09
i never let anyone in.
i've lost myself under a thousand layers of sarcasm and wit and indifference.
i've lost myself in that tiny little hole.
but i can't help but see the walls are caving in.
and then there was you.
you opened the door.
just.
this.
once.
and for a moment, you found me.
when the storm comes, i'll laugh and i'll cry and i'll run through the streets until my lungs explode.
i'll run.
alone.
the wind is all i have.
i will follow the colors you've so carefully painted around your little head of fire.
i will follow you into the night.
only when the hue becomes so brilliant my eyes won't shut.
only when the trembling in my fingertips drives me mad.
i'll know i've found you.
to me, you are perfectly imperfect.
you are strange and beautiful.
maybe one day you will understand.
maybe one day you will find me again.
-3/23/09
a new cold.
i woke up too early this morning with a stuffed-as-hell nose and a burning throat :[.
so i made pancakes.
my brother said they were good. lol. first time ever making whole-wheat pancakes. too bad i couldn't enjoy them.
i'm gonna go take a bath, kill some time, whatevs.
xo a
so i made pancakes.
my brother said they were good. lol. first time ever making whole-wheat pancakes. too bad i couldn't enjoy them.
i'm gonna go take a bath, kill some time, whatevs.
xo a
Friday, June 12, 2009
!!!!
am i not fucking speaking english?
i don't understand how else i can talk to you. you never understand what i'm trying to say. you always think i'm accusing you of something. would it kill you to explain something to me? would it kill you to not fucking get mad at me for asking you something? all i wanted was an explanation so i can understand what happened.
obviously i've been asking too much.
i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know
this wasn't supposed to turn into a fight.
knowing you, you will milk this for all its worth and not speak to me for as long as possible.
why are you like that? why do you get so damn angry and defensive when i ask you to clear something up?
oh but of course this is my fault.
i love you. always.
xo a
i don't understand how else i can talk to you. you never understand what i'm trying to say. you always think i'm accusing you of something. would it kill you to explain something to me? would it kill you to not fucking get mad at me for asking you something? all i wanted was an explanation so i can understand what happened.
obviously i've been asking too much.
i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know
this wasn't supposed to turn into a fight.
knowing you, you will milk this for all its worth and not speak to me for as long as possible.
why are you like that? why do you get so damn angry and defensive when i ask you to clear something up?
oh but of course this is my fault.
i love you. always.
xo a
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
one thing.
i promised myself, i swore to myself, i would never sink into this again. but i'm sinking. ohhhh man am i sinking..
i have a lot to say. if i start right now, i don't think i will stop for a good few hours. but i don't even know where to begin. i'll save it for another day, maybe. i just.... i can't fucking think straight.
even though i know
i don't want to know
yeah, i guess i know
i just hate how it sounds
i don't know who i am anymore, and it terrifies me.
i just wish i could grab max and disappear for a while, just the two of us.
i have a lot to say. if i start right now, i don't think i will stop for a good few hours. but i don't even know where to begin. i'll save it for another day, maybe. i just.... i can't fucking think straight.
even though i know
i don't want to know
yeah, i guess i know
i just hate how it sounds
i don't know who i am anymore, and it terrifies me.
i just wish i could grab max and disappear for a while, just the two of us.
Friday, June 5, 2009
coney island.
i miss coney island/astroland! these shots were taken about 2 years ago. i remember going like, every single day, and getting those P.O.P wristbands. haha i'd go on the ....iforgotwhatitscalled... and stay on for about 20 rides, and then the same thing on the breakdancer.. and the cyclone. haha those rides are all so old but i still enjoy them. ooh i want to go to an amusement park again. they really are a perfect setting for getting some urban shots. i hope i get to go to six flags this year. i didn't go last year and that's just fucking wrong.
xo a
a picture + survey.
i don't want to elaborate on this, but i do want to mention it, to get it atleast somewhat out there: that was the worst nightmare i have ever had, and i highly doubt i will ever dream anything as horrible again. i don't want to see it again. i don't want to think about it. it's a part of me for a bit longer, but i don't want to pay it any more attention than needed.
survey, picture. nothing more.
What's your opinion on milk chocolate?
um.. whatever? i don't care about it enough to have an opinion.
What about Dark Chocolate?
i actually like dark chocolate more than milk chocolate.
What's your opinion about Katy Perry's song "I kissed a girl"?
i don't like the song. it's the anthem for all the pseudo-bisexuals in highschool who think they sound sexy because they kissed a girl once.
What's your least favorite pizza topping?
spinach.
Do you believe in heaven?
no.
What kind of mood are you in right now, and why?
i'm tired. i didn't sleep well. :/
What's your opinion of high school?
i had a love/hate relationship with high school.
Do you prefer the country or city?
i love both.
What are your plans for the next 48 hours?
sleep.
What's your favorite type of weather?
i love thunderstorms. i love cloudy, chilly weather. i also love sunshine.
What's your opinion on reading books?
i absolutely love reading.
You're given a chance to act in a hollywood blockbuster! Would you accept?
fuck yeah.
What it if it was a movie directed by Tim Burton?
yes yes yesss idk who directs it lmao i want to act.
Are you hungry right now?
no.
It's possible to be addicted to anything... What are you addicted to?
cigarettes.
How often do you get headaches?
often, actually :/
Do you have any songs stuck in your head right now?
nope.
Have you ever regretted telling someone you love them?
no. je ne regrette rien.
What would you rather have- an iTouch or a huge bag of weed?
weed :]
Have you ever told someone they were attractive when they really weren't?
yes.
Should people have to dissect cow eyes?
what no.
Do you think the person who refuses should fail for not dissecting one?
no, that's not fair.
What's your opinion on turtles?
i love turtles! lol idk i think they're adorable. i've always wanted one. especially those teeeeeeny ones.
When people annoy you, do you tell them?
yes.
You sing in your shower don't you?
no, not anymore.
Are you a Twilight freak?
god no.
Do you like Green Tea?
i love green tea, and melissa herbal tea, and mango peach white tea, i love tea in general thankyou.
survey, picture. nothing more.
What's your opinion on milk chocolate?
um.. whatever? i don't care about it enough to have an opinion.
What about Dark Chocolate?
i actually like dark chocolate more than milk chocolate.
What's your opinion about Katy Perry's song "I kissed a girl"?
i don't like the song. it's the anthem for all the pseudo-bisexuals in highschool who think they sound sexy because they kissed a girl once.
What's your least favorite pizza topping?
spinach.
Do you believe in heaven?
no.
What kind of mood are you in right now, and why?
i'm tired. i didn't sleep well. :/
What's your opinion of high school?
i had a love/hate relationship with high school.
Do you prefer the country or city?
i love both.
What are your plans for the next 48 hours?
sleep.
What's your favorite type of weather?
i love thunderstorms. i love cloudy, chilly weather. i also love sunshine.
What's your opinion on reading books?
i absolutely love reading.
You're given a chance to act in a hollywood blockbuster! Would you accept?
fuck yeah.
What it if it was a movie directed by Tim Burton?
yes yes yesss idk who directs it lmao i want to act.
Are you hungry right now?
no.
It's possible to be addicted to anything... What are you addicted to?
cigarettes.
How often do you get headaches?
often, actually :/
Do you have any songs stuck in your head right now?
nope.
Have you ever regretted telling someone you love them?
no. je ne regrette rien.
What would you rather have- an iTouch or a huge bag of weed?
weed :]
Have you ever told someone they were attractive when they really weren't?
yes.
Should people have to dissect cow eyes?
what no.
Do you think the person who refuses should fail for not dissecting one?
no, that's not fair.
What's your opinion on turtles?
i love turtles! lol idk i think they're adorable. i've always wanted one. especially those teeeeeeny ones.
When people annoy you, do you tell them?
yes.
You sing in your shower don't you?
no, not anymore.
Are you a Twilight freak?
god no.
Do you like Green Tea?
i love green tea, and melissa herbal tea, and mango peach white tea, i love tea in general thankyou.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
quicker than i thought..
yeah so i'm back already.
i was going through some pictures from my portfolio and i started crying. i never realized just how much i miss photography.
i remember this day like it was yesterday. i have never seen so much fog, and i remember telling my mother "the flowers look like they're glowing". i couldn't capture the glow. but i captured the moment.
i wish i could go back in time. not to change anything, just to relive certain moments.
i want to go back and breathe it all in, prep myself for what is about to happen, for the life i am living now.
now i'm getting all fucking depressed again. fuck this man.
i'll be back tomorrow.
ilm. xo a
i was going through some pictures from my portfolio and i started crying. i never realized just how much i miss photography.
i remember this day like it was yesterday. i have never seen so much fog, and i remember telling my mother "the flowers look like they're glowing". i couldn't capture the glow. but i captured the moment.
i wish i could go back in time. not to change anything, just to relive certain moments.
i want to go back and breathe it all in, prep myself for what is about to happen, for the life i am living now.
now i'm getting all fucking depressed again. fuck this man.
i'll be back tomorrow.
ilm. xo a
it's been a while..
so i haven't updated in over a month. i need to force myself to keep writing because honestly i will lose my mind. remembering all those xangas and livejournals i've kept in the past, i notice i had a clear head. yeah, i was fucked up beyond belief but i had a clear head. i need to keep writing.
.....
it's been a full 10 minutes since i wrote that ^
i have so much shit i want to fucking write and just let out but i can't do it. i feel so disgusting right now, so pathetic, so out of place, so attached... i don't know what i'm trying to say.
UGH this is what i mean I NEED TO CLEAR MY FUCKING HEAD
and obviously writing isn't the way this time.
i'll make this a lyrics entry. aw i just remembered how i used to do that when i couldn't find the words to say. haha some things never change. well the only lyrics i can think of are "crown of love". i don't know why. i'm not depressed about a break-up, nothing of the sort. but the sadness in its entirity is overwhelming, i must share! i'll highlight what i relate to, just like old times.
they say it fades if you let it, love was made to forget it.
i carved your name across my eyelids, you pray for rain i pray for blindness.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
the crown of love is fallen from me.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
because the spark is not within me.
i snuffed it out before my mom walked in my bedroom.
the only thing that you keep changing, is your name
my love keeps growing, still the same, just like a cancer,
and you won't give me a straight answer.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
the crown of love has fallen from me.
if you still want me please forgive me
because your hands are not upon me.
i shrugged them off before my mom walked in my bedroom.
the pains of love, and they keep growing,
in my heart there's flowers growing,
on the grave of our old love,
since you gave me a straight answer.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
the crown of love is not upon me
if you still want me, please forgive me,
'cause the spark is not within me.
it's not within me, it's not within me.
you gotta be the one,
you gotta be the way,
your name is the only word that i can say.
i find myself in a place i've sworn i'd never go to again.
i need to go for a walk. i'll try this again tomorrow. or later maybe.
one thing remains the same! i love max.
au revoir
xo a
.....
it's been a full 10 minutes since i wrote that ^
i have so much shit i want to fucking write and just let out but i can't do it. i feel so disgusting right now, so pathetic, so out of place, so attached... i don't know what i'm trying to say.
UGH this is what i mean I NEED TO CLEAR MY FUCKING HEAD
and obviously writing isn't the way this time.
i'll make this a lyrics entry. aw i just remembered how i used to do that when i couldn't find the words to say. haha some things never change. well the only lyrics i can think of are "crown of love". i don't know why. i'm not depressed about a break-up, nothing of the sort. but the sadness in its entirity is overwhelming, i must share! i'll highlight what i relate to, just like old times.
they say it fades if you let it, love was made to forget it.
i carved your name across my eyelids, you pray for rain i pray for blindness.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
the crown of love is fallen from me.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
because the spark is not within me.
i snuffed it out before my mom walked in my bedroom.
the only thing that you keep changing, is your name
my love keeps growing, still the same, just like a cancer,
and you won't give me a straight answer.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
the crown of love has fallen from me.
if you still want me please forgive me
because your hands are not upon me.
i shrugged them off before my mom walked in my bedroom.
the pains of love, and they keep growing,
in my heart there's flowers growing,
on the grave of our old love,
since you gave me a straight answer.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
the crown of love is not upon me
if you still want me, please forgive me,
'cause the spark is not within me.
it's not within me, it's not within me.
you gotta be the one,
you gotta be the way,
your name is the only word that i can say.
i find myself in a place i've sworn i'd never go to again.
i need to go for a walk. i'll try this again tomorrow. or later maybe.
one thing remains the same! i love max.
au revoir
xo a
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