happiest yet.

that's right!

okay so let's see.. since i last posted, ummm a lot has went down. max and i broke up and got back together and broke up again and, as of yesterday, got back together. this time forreal. although i lost my engagement ring (fuck you vodka, fuck you brain), i didn't lose him, and i never will again. shit got real. shit is changing.

so let's start with last weekend. i spent the night at maha's, and a lot of fucked up shit happened, but the only thing worth mentioning is that max and i broke up. then we got back together the next day. and the day after that, maha and i decided to hang out again, and i ended up walking her home at around midnight. that pissed max off, and i understand why, but that led to us breaking up again. i know he's gotten OD overprotective ever since i got sexually assaulted by guys from walking home late at night, but still. i couldn't ever let maha walk alone. anyway.. then we got back together. just writing about this is making me 'LOL'. so about an hour after we reconciled, i ended up drinking about a liter of vodka with maha. we got so trashed we didn't know how to walk down my block. thinking back, i have no idea what compelled us to do something like that. i NEVER drink (anymore). liquor is like xanax to me, i regret everything that happens afterwards, and only if i can even remember what i did/what happened. all i remember is meeting with alex and ashley, the twins from oh-so-long ago. alex fussed over me a bit, the whole "oh my god it's been so long you look so good what have you been up to i missed you" thing. then she proceeded to tell me that ali (abusive ex) is in rikers for 6 months. i'm pretty sure i did ask her why, but i don't remember her response. anyway, maha and i decided to go to dunkin donuts to get our daily fix, and max showed up right there. oh yeah, because we were on the phone and he asked me where i was and i asked him to meet us there. so... after introducing him to alex and ashley, and after i ordered maha and i our delicious coffee, max steered the both of us back to my house. at this point i was bugging out because my dad called maha and i earlier to ask us why we drank all the vodka, and all i remember is screaming that i didn't and hanging up on him. when we finally got to my house, all hell broke loose. all i remember is running away, about 6 times. and then somehow i was under a car with maha trying to pull me out. we sat in between two cars, talking and crying and chain smoking. she was also on the phone with max, for like half an hour. i don't know what was going on but she convinced me to go back home. so i walked her to the bus, waited for it, and then set her to go. the next morning, my whole right leg was one giant black and blue, from shin to mid-thigh. i had a lump the size of a 6 month old pregnant stomach above my eye, and that was also a nasty shade of blue. oh, and apparently i dropped lit cigarettes down my shirt throughout the night, so i was also covered in burns. this is why i never drink.

i went to therapy yesterday, for an emergency appointment. i just couldn't wait for thursday. dr royce prescribed me klonopin for my anxiety, which has reached the point of insanity. i can't keep still or calm enough to do anything, and even sitting on her couch, i had the urge to run run run run run. after filling my prescription, i met up with max, and took half a tab, since she told me half will be okay enough, since i'm 90lbs. it worked like magic. i felt so calm and clear-headed and social and it was just incredible. i didn't expect it to affect me in that way, considering all the xanax prescriptions i've had that totally killed my memory and made me want to kill everybody. so i'm really grateful for that klonopin. except today i took it again and it didn't do anything. so i took a whole tab instead of half, and still nothing. i just got off the phone with dr royce, and she said to come pick up another script tomorrow, for a stronger dosage, or just more of the same. she said i should take 3 a day, if i want to take it regularly, or i can take it whenever the anxiety hits. i prefer to take it regularly. i don't want to be a pill popper. been there, done that, over it.

now i need a cigarette. i'll keep writing. no, really this time. i will.
everything is working out, everything is fucking great. i will keep writing.
maybe not today, but more often now.

xo sasha