it's been a while..

so i haven't updated in over a month. i need to force myself to keep writing because honestly i will lose my mind. remembering all those xangas and livejournals i've kept in the past, i notice i had a clear head. yeah, i was fucked up beyond belief but i had a clear head. i need to keep writing.

.....


it's been a full 10 minutes since i wrote that ^

i have so much shit i want to fucking write and just let out but i can't do it. i feel so disgusting right now, so pathetic, so out of place, so attached... i don't know what i'm trying to say.

UGH this is what i mean I NEED TO CLEAR MY FUCKING HEAD
and obviously writing isn't the way this time.


i'll make this a lyrics entry. aw i just remembered how i used to do that when i couldn't find the words to say. haha some things never change. well the only lyrics i can think of are "crown of love". i don't know why. i'm not depressed about a break-up, nothing of the sort. but the sadness in its entirity is overwhelming, i must share! i'll highlight what i relate to, just like old times.


they say it fades if you let it, love was made to forget it.
i carved your name across my eyelids, you pray for rain i pray for blindness.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
the crown of love is fallen from me.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
because the spark is not within me.
i snuffed it out before my mom walked in my bedroom.
the only thing that you keep changing, is your name
my love keeps growing, still the same, just like a cancer,
and you won't give me a straight answer.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
the crown of love has fallen from me.
if you still want me please forgive me
because your hands are not upon me.
i shrugged them off before my mom walked in my bedroom.
the pains of love, and they keep growing,
in my heart there's flowers growing,
on the grave of our old love,
since you gave me a straight answer.
if you still want me, please forgive me,
the crown of love is not upon me
if you still want me, please forgive me,
'cause the spark is not within me.
it's not within me, it's not within me.
you gotta be the one,
you gotta be the way,
your name is the only word that i can say.


i find myself in a place i've sworn i'd never go to again.
i need to go for a walk. i'll try this again tomorrow. or later maybe.

one thing remains the same! i love max.

au revoir
xo a