i feel i'm thrown into a fight

i cannot believe it has been so long since i've written in here. i just went through the past entries, and noticed how many times i've written "i will write here!" and "this time i will keep a journal!". -__-

so much has changed in my life since i've last posted. numerous jobs obtained and lost, friendships built and shattered, addictions that became all-consuming, abusing substances, and abusing everything else. everybody has relationships with people and things that go on for a few months and then just fall apart, in the way that these things do. sometimes the end hurts bad, sometimes it's no big deal, sometimes it's a pleasant relief, but mostly it's nothing that a few days of peace can't cure. i've been through so fucking many, i'm a relationship slut. i build relationships with narcotics, with liquor, with friends that are all wrong for me, with friends that are all right for me (and all those are the ones i destroy the fastest), etc etc.

it's just that.. looking back, i cannot understand how everything changed so fucking quickly. it seems as if one minute i was flying, so full of love and life and laughs, and the next i was passed out with a nosebleed in my office bathroom, chasing a high i will never reach again. looking back, i can't pinpoint when it all began to crumble. i've always been depressed, for as long as i can remember, and the scariest part is that if you ask anyone in the throes of depression how he got there, to pin down the turning point, he'll never know. There is a classic moment in The Sun Also Rises when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt, and all he can say in response is, "Gradually and then suddenly." When someone asks how i lost my mind, that is all i can say too. i just don't know when or how or why. i just know that it is what it is. and what it is, i don't like.

i will have no choice but to go back to therapy. maybe this time i'll actually succumb to the endless supply of prescriptions the psychiatrists tell me will "help". i've spoken to maha countless times about this situation, and she believes i will benefit from antidepressants. but is it so much to fucking ask to not have to rely on something to make me happy? since when did everything in this world have a price? with my addiction to opana, i allowed myself (what the fuck was i thinking?!) to spend $90 a day (A DAY. ONE. DAY.) for a day of happiness. i now know that it wasn't happiness at all, but whatever the fuck it was, it gave me a will to live. now that i'm sober, the depression that paved a path to an addiction, is back. i'm always thinking there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and i wonder if it isn't one i'll have to fight for as long as i live. i wonder if it's worth it.

i begin to think what i really want, what i really need, what i'm truly looking for, is not something i can articulate. it's nonverbal. i need the thing that happens when your brain shuts off and your heart turns on. i had it, just a year ago. i was so fucking happy i wanted to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. i can't even explain. so what happened? what in the world happened to turn me into this.. this thing?

i have no answer for that, but i have the want. the want to change, the want to figure out what in the fuck is going on in my head. so that's where i am in this life right now: figuring myself out, trying to find happiness once more.

don't get me wrong, i have max, and that really is all i will ever need. but i don't have him here 24/7. i can't just be happy a few hours a day when i see him, and spend the other 20+ hours going completely nuts. i know the toll this is taking on him, and i am so fucking sorry, i truly wish i could just shut my depression on and off, just shove it into some dark, crampy corner and just shut it up when i'm with him. but i can't. and believe me, if i fucking could, i would.

this post was disturbingly pathetic. but i got it out there. i just wish i could get it out of me.

S